He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
