so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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