I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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