sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My butt remains clenched, sir.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
