she woke up with a sticky ear
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
