We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize