Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
