So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
