Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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