ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
