I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i think my cat just said my name.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
