who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
