Duck Duck Cougar?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
