Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
