I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
