Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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