my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
it's like heaven, but drunker
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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