I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
