If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
