If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
