i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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