at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
