They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
