dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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