my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
