just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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