youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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