Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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