So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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