I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
