is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
