I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
