So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
