she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
