Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
