Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
