ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
are you so shy because you have an std?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize