ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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