I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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