That's intense
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
