I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
