Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
