what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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