i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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