Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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