Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
