Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
