there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
