dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
