I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize