I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
