I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
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