i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We're too hungover to prance.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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