Don't make out with my wife yet
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
