My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
