Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
