So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
